You’re better off alone! Don’t get stuck in a ‘make up/break up’ pattern

    The beginning of summer is always ripe with barbecues, graduations and weddings. Although these get-togethers often happily reunite us with family and friends, they also tend to unhappily reunite us with our exes of yesteryear. Indeed, even with all we have learned from painful breakups, some of us simply cannot resist the temptation of reconnecting with an old flame. And when that old flame is front row and center at a mutual friend’s wedding, the temptation becomes even more irresistible.

    If this pattern of “making up and breaking up” sounds familiar to you, you might be part of a revolving-door relationship. Much like a revolving door, your relationship with your ex is never stagnant — he is always on the way into your heart or on the way out.

    Your family and friends have heard the many dramas of your relationship with your ex more times than they would like to count, and although you know you sound like a broken record, something always pulls you back into the relationship. The revolving door whooshes again, and you are back in the middle of the broken (and breaking) relationship.

    How can you stop this pattern once and for all, especially in the middle of summer social activities?

    Change your pattern. When relationships get stuck in a revolving rut, it is generally because our lives are stuck in a revolving rut. By changing your routine, you can change your point of view and end a make-up and break-up cycle. How can you do this? Explore different activities, go to new restaurants, spend time with old friends, or even go on a much-needed vacation. Figure out what is keeping your life in stalemate (chances are that it isn’t just your relationship) and then make a change.

    Figure out why you are relying on a broken relationship. You know that your ex isn’t good for you, and you know that you aren’t good for your ex. So why do you keep returning to each other? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that love alone is driving your revolving door, as there are generally a myriad of different emotions driving your decision process. Figuring out these emotions and deciphering what is truly driving you to be in a broken relationship will help you stop the destructive pattern.

    Sit down and write down the emotions that come to your mind when you think about breaking up with your ex for good. Whether you are jealous at the thought of seeing your ex with someone new, nostalgic at the thought of losing a close friend, or terrified at the thought of being alone and dating again, you might be surprised to discover that your list isn’t built upon love alone. Of course, all of the above emotions are valid and sincere emotions — but that doesn’t mean that you can build a loving, lasting relationship upon them.

    Talk about it with a professional. Breakups are often seen as something most people can make it through on their own. However, most people tend to assuage their broken hearts through self-medicating with destructive behaviors like drinking, one-night stands, angry late-night phone calls to their ex, etc. Losing someone you love through a breakup or a divorce is heartbreaking, and trying to go it alone can be overwhelming. This is why so many people get stuck in a revolving-door cycle, as being alone can be so painful that people would rather be in a bad relationship. A counselor can help you make smarter choices, and give you what you need the most: an unbiased listener.

    Finally, it might be helpful to keep two lists on hand with you at all times — one list to remind you why the relationship can’t work (he doesn’t want kids, you don’t share similar life goals, etc.), and one list to remind you why you are content and complete as you are (you love the freedom to meet new people, you have a wonderful network of friends and family, etc.).

    Rely on this network as you go through this difficult time, and allow yourself the freedom to be sad, mad, lonely and so on. As the emotions move through you, they will slowly lose their potency, and you will be ready to say goodbye to your ex and move on to a happy, healthy new relationship.

    你一个人更好！不要陷入“复合/分手”的死循环

    每年初夏都塞满了野餐烧烤、毕业典礼和婚礼。虽然这些聚会总是将我们和家人朋友快乐地召集在一起，也可能把那些昔日旧爱带到面前。事实上，即使我们已经从痛苦的分手中学到了很多，我们中的一些人就是很难抵抗和旧爱鸳梦重温的诱惑。尤其是当老情人出现在共同好友的婚礼上，这种诱惑更加难以抗拒。

    如果你很熟悉这种“复合/分手”的模式，你可能陷入了“旋转门”关系。就像旋转门一样，你和老情人的关系从来没有停歇——他总是在你心门前徘徊不去。

    你的家人和朋友早已经听了无数次你和老情人之前的分分和和，尽管你知道自己听起来下定决心，但总有些事情把你拉回这段关系中。旋转门又启动了，把你拽会一段破碎（或即将破碎）的关系当中。

    你怎样才能一劳永逸地打破这种僵局，尤其是在盛夏数不胜数的社交活动聚会当中保持冷静呢？

    改变你的模式。当一段感情困在旋转门里，一般是因为我们的生活困在旋转门里。通过改变你的生活习惯，你可以改变你的视角，结束复合-分手的循环。你怎样才能做到？探索不同的活动，去新的餐馆，和老朋友聚会，甚至进行一次期待已久的旅行。找出那些让你生活一成不变的因素（不仅仅是你的感情生活），然后作出改变。

    找出为什么依赖一段破碎关系的原因。你知道你的旧情人并不合适自己，你也不适合他。那你们为什么总会走回到一起？不要骗自己去想什么爱情的力量是推动旋转门的唯一动力，因为你的决定往往受到无数情绪的驱动。理清这些情绪，分辨出哪种情绪是真正让你找回破碎关系的元凶。这可以帮助你停止这种破坏性的模式。

    当你想到和旧情人分手，脑海里会出现哪些想法？写下这些想法会有所帮助。是当你看到旧情人和别人在一起时感到嫉妒，还是舍不得失去一个亲密好友，或是害怕寂寞或恐惧再一次开始约会？你可能会很惊讶的发现你的清单上不单单只有爱情。当然，所有这些情绪都是很鲜活而且真诚的——但这并不意味着你可以基于这些情绪建立一段相爱、持久的关系。

    和一位专业人员谈谈这件事情。分手经常被认为是一件大多数人能够自己克服的事情。不过，大多数人通过如喝酒、一夜情、给旧情人打骚扰电话等破坏性的行为来自我麻醉，来缓解伤心。因为分手或者离婚失去你爱的人让人心碎，自己挣扎着解脱并不是所有人能承受得起。这就是为什么很多人被困在旋转门中，因为一个人实在太过痛苦，还不如在一段烂关系中。咨询师可以帮助你作出更明智的决定，并给你最需要的：一个不带偏见的倾听者。

    最后，随时看看这样两个清单可能有用——一个清单提醒你为什么这段感情行不通（他不想要小孩，你们没有相同的人生目标等），另外一个清单提醒你现在的自己有多安心、多完整（你喜欢能自由地遇见新的人，你和家人朋友关系很棒等）。

    依靠着这些关系，你可以走过难关，给自己自己伤心、发疯、孤单的自由。那你经历这些情绪的时候，他们的力量会慢慢减弱，你就可以和旧爱说再见，迎接一段幸福、健康的新感情。