This is not an easy article to write. I have been hurt by someone very close to me and I know that I need to forgive that person, but it is easier said than done. Intellectually, I know that until I can forgive, I will stew in my resentment and hurt - harming myself, not the person who hurt me. I could seek revenge, but countering a wrong with a wrong is… well, wrong.

    What to do?

    As I reside in the limbo between true forgiveness and painful hurt, I struggle with the tug-of-war between heart and head. I won’t seek revenge, but I am also not ready to forgive despite the realization that forgiving is precisely what I have to do to stop hurting. People don’t ask to be hurt, but the offended must be the ones to initiate the resolve.

    Forgiveness is the pill we must swallow when we suffer from hurt inflicted by others. We must move past the feelings of a hurt-felt heart and use our reason, our mind, to guide us to healing. Age, maturity, teaches us to “let it go,” “forgive and forget,” but sound reason does not manifest a quick cure. It does, however, keep us from making a bigger mistake. The mind must win the tug-of-war between heart and head. To do otherwise, we would be hurting ourselves even more.

    How do we make the head win?
When our heart and mind are conflicted, thinking more about the offense will only exasperate the situation; we need to distract the mind. Our thoughts need to move on, get off-track, and the best way to distract the mind is to busy the hands.

    Performing tasks like cooking, gardening, car maintenance, writing, anything that requires the mind to think about what the hands are doing will give our heart and head the time to eclipse the pain and coalesce into a more productive, positive realm. Manual exercise restores the balance to life necessary to heal. The sooner we become productive, the quicker we will be able to forgive. Busying the hands also gives us the time to move past the initial harm. We still may feel hurt, but the hurt won’t feel as deep. The urge for revenge will pass; the head eventually wins.

    If you’ve been hurt and find yourself in the tug-of-war between heart and head it may be helpful to take the Forgiveness Test created by Dr. Susan Brown as part of her doctoral dissertation at Fuller Theological Seminary. It is a 14-question, multiple-choice test which helps to identify personal thoughts and behaviors regarding forgiveness. I took the test and discovered I’m half-way there.

    What I neglected to consider (as I wallowed in my self-pity) was the source of the problem. Question 13, “I looked for the source of the problem and tried to correct it,” caused a light bulb to go off in my head. Again, the heart was clouding my rational thought. The test made me realize that if I don’t want to be hurt by this person again, I should look for the source of the problem and work to correct it. Being hurt involves two people. Forgiveness is what I do, but that is only half the solution. Resolving the source of the hurt involves both of us. That is what’s necessary for true reconciliation and lasting peace...the ability to truly forgive and forget, forever.

    I’m glad I took the test and I’m glad I wrote this article. I took the time to busy my hands. I don’t feel as hurt now as I did when I began writing. I’m getting closer to true forgiveness and realize I have more work to do before all is well again. In the end, my head won, but so did my heart.

    這是一篇難以書(shū)寫(xiě)的文章.曾經(jīng),我被我很親密的人傷害過(guò),我知道我得原諒他"她,但這一切說(shuō)起來(lái)很容易,做起來(lái)好難.理智上我知道我若不能原諒,傷害我自己的是我內(nèi)心的怨恨與煩惱,而不是那個(gè)人.我曾想過(guò)報(bào)復(fù),但這只是錯(cuò)上加錯(cuò)…..是的,是錯(cuò)的.

    要做什么?

    當(dāng)我徘徊在真正原諒與痛苦傷害的邊緣時(shí),我正經(jīng)歷著內(nèi)心與頭腦之間激烈的斗爭(zhēng).我不會(huì)去報(bào)復(fù),但我也沒(méi)有做好去原諒的準(zhǔn)備,雖然事實(shí)上原諒是停止我傷痛的最佳辦法.人們都不想被傷害,但是受傷了的人就必須找辦法治療.

    當(dāng)我們被人家傷害時(shí),原諒是我們必須選擇去服用的良藥.我們必須消除內(nèi)心那些徹心的痛楚,在我們的理智與意識(shí)的指引下治療我們的心靈.經(jīng)歷過(guò)傷害的人告訴我們要“讓它隨風(fēng)而去”,要“原諒然后忘記”,但這不是我們能進(jìn)行快速治療的充分理由.然而,它可以防止我們犯下更大的錯(cuò)誤.頭腦的意識(shí)必須贏得這場(chǎng)內(nèi)心與頭腦的斗爭(zhēng)的勝利,否則,我們只會(huì)把自己傷害得更深……

    如何做才能是頭腦獲勝?

    當(dāng)我們的內(nèi)心與頭腦意識(shí)發(fā)生沖突時(shí),過(guò)多地想著攻擊對(duì)方反而把事情弄得更槽.我們需要分散我們的注意力,我們的思想必須得沿著軌道動(dòng)起來(lái),而分散注意力的好方法是讓自己的雙手忙起來(lái).

    做一些烹飪,護(hù)理一下花園,保養(yǎng)一下汽車(chē),寫(xiě)一些東西.做任何需要我們意識(shí)去指導(dǎo)的事情,這會(huì)讓我們的內(nèi)心與頭腦有一定的時(shí)間去沖淡痛楚,合并更多積極有效的思想領(lǐng)域.身體運(yùn)動(dòng)能恢復(fù)生活的平衡,這是身心恢復(fù)所需要的.我們?cè)娇旎謴?fù)效率,我們就能更快地去原諒.使自己的雙手忙起來(lái)也能給予我們時(shí)間去除最初的傷痛.也許我們?nèi)愿械酵纯?但那痛苦已經(jīng)沒(méi)有原來(lái)那么深了.報(bào)復(fù)的沖動(dòng)沒(méi)有了,頭腦會(huì)最終獲得勝利.

    假如你被傷害了并發(fā)現(xiàn)自己正處于內(nèi)心與頭腦的斗爭(zhēng)中,你可以嘗試做一下由Susan Brown博士在福樂(lè)神學(xué)院做博士論文時(shí)研發(fā)的原諒測(cè)試,這對(duì)你是有用的.測(cè)試有14道多項(xiàng)選擇題,它能幫助你分清關(guān)于原諒的個(gè)人思想和行為.當(dāng)我做完測(cè)試時(shí),我發(fā)現(xiàn)我已經(jīng)成功了一半了.

    我不想去考慮是我問(wèn)題的根源,因?yàn)槲彝耆�沉浸在自憐之中.第13道題目“我尋找了問(wèn)題的根源并設(shè)法去改正了它”像一個(gè)小燈泡照耀在我的腦海里.再一次,內(nèi)心籠罩著我的理智思想.這個(gè)測(cè)試讓我明白,如果我不想再一次被那個(gè)人傷害,我就必須找到問(wèn)題的根源,然后努力去改正它.傷害是相互的.原諒是我需要做的,但這只是解決問(wèn)題的一半而已.解決傷害的根源需要兩個(gè)人去努力.這是真正的和解與永遠(yuǎn)的友好所需要的……需要一種能力去真正地原諒,然后永遠(yuǎn)忘卻.

    我很高興我做了這個(gè)測(cè)試并寫(xiě)下這篇文章.我花了時(shí)間讓自己的雙手忙了起來(lái),我沒(méi)有像剛寫(xiě)作時(shí)那么痛苦了.我離真正原諒更加近了.我意識(shí)到.在完全恢復(fù)前有許多事情要我去做.到最后,我的頭腦獲勝了.然而,我的內(nèi)心也是如此.